The Grouse That Roared
I have this fantastic idea for a book that I would like to pitch to New York publishers, but I thought I’d try it out here first.
Let me know what you think.
We open in the Oval Office where a reality TV star who by the middle of his first term as president has already clocked over 10,000 lies to the American people. The economy is teetering at the edge of a recession, the deficit is skyrocketing, but ever the narcissist, Donald Trump is taking comfort in an email he’s just received from a right-wing conspiracy nut and he tweets it out to the world:
“Thank you to Wayne Allyn Root for the very nice words. “President Trump is the greatest President for Jews and for Israel in the history of the world, not just America, he is the best President for Israel in the history of the world…and the Jewish people in Israel love him like he’s the King of Israel. They love him like he is the second coming of God…”
Trump summons acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney.
“Mickey, some people are saying I should be the king of Israel.”
“Sir, first you need to become king of Greenland. What did the Danish prime minister say to your offer to take that shit hole off her hands?”
“She insulted me. She said the idea was absurd. She was so nasty.”
Suddenly, the acting secretary of defense, Patrick Shanahan, bursts into the Oval Office.
“Sir, Greenland has just declared war on us. I just got word that a Viking ship has landed in New York.”
Mulvaney: “Viking, like the cruise line?”
Shanahan: “No, Viking, like with a sail and shields on the side of the hull, There are six of them and they’re fighting their way toward Wall Street.”
Trump: “What’s this got to do with me being king of Israel?”
Shanahan’s Blackberry buzzes and he glances at it. “Oh, good news. They’ve surrendered.”
Trump: “Who? The Israelis?”
Mulvaney: “He’s talking about the Vikings.”
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo bounds into the office. “They want reparations.”
“Tell them to talk to Donny,” Trump says. “He handles all our building repairs.”
“Reparations, not repairs, Mr. President,” Pompeo says.
Mulvaney: “What kind of reparations?”
“They want the same deal we gave to the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.”
“What the hell are you guys talking about?” Trump demands.
“It’s in the history books, sir,” Pompeo replies.
“You fuckers know I don’t read.”
“Well, sir, some years ago, Grand Fenwick declared war on us, instantly surrendered, and we gave them all kinds of stuff, like we always do when we totally kick somebody’s ass. Peter Sellers made a documentary about it.”
“Like after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? I saw that in a movie.”
“Yes, just like that.”
“So what do they want?”
Pompeo consults his Blackberry. “They want a casino.”
“I don’t do casinos anymore. It’s a bad business. Nobody makes any money in casinos.”
“You build them a casino, they’ll make you king of Greenland.”
Trump’s eyes light up.
“Can I be both king of Greenland and president?”
“Afraid not, sir,” Pompeo says. “Constitution won’t allow it.”
“So does that mean being king of Israel is also out?”
“Yes, sir, afraid so.”
Trump purses his lips and ponders that for a moment. “Okay, here’s the plan. Mickey, you call Moscow Mitch. Tell him we’ve got to change the Constitution. People are saying I need to be king of Greenland and Israel.”
“Maybe I should be king of America, too. Tell Mitch to work on that. Now I gotta go. I’m taking a phoner with Vlad.”
Trump shoos the men out of the Oval Office and they gather in the hallway outside and speak in hushed voices.
“Do you believe this shit?” Pompeo asks.
“Fuck me with a phone pole,” says Mulvaney.
“There’s only one thing to do,” says Shanahan:
“Maybe they’ll take a golf course instead.”