An open letter to our friends in Greenland

This selling yourself to the United States, it could work out if the price is right

Dear Greenlanders:

We can all agree that Donald Trump’s claim that America should own your country was rude, but let’s not let that get in the way of a good deal.

If the price is right.

But before we get to the particulars of how selling yourself to the United States might work out, we should probably clear up a few things.

Let’s start with Trump’s own words:

"For purposes of National Security and Freedom throughout the World, the United States of America feels that the ownership and control of Greenland is an absolute necessity,"

First off, the United States of America harbors no such feelings. In fact, in a 2021 survey, 50 percent of U.S. respondents couldn’t find Greenland on a map and were surprised to learn it’s part of North America.

Trump may want to buy your country, but he does not speak for the entire nation. I cannot recall a single cocktail party conversation in the past year in which the word “Greenland” was even spoken.

Most Americans also would be surprised to learn that Greenland is actually owned by the Kingdom of Denmark . Not so much that Denmark owns it, but that Denmark has a king, just like England.

I’m betting a week’s paycheck you can’t find one in a hundred Americans who know your king’s name. Since this is an open letter and will be read by tens of thousands of Americans as well as you, here’s the answer: His name is Frederik. His wife’s name is Mary. They seem like a nice couple, but like every other nuclear family, I’ll bet they’d welcome a little extra spending money, which is where this deal Trump has proposed comes in.

Before you say, “Scheiß auf Donald Trump,” hear me out.

Trump, as you may know, fancies himself a genius dealmaker, never mind all those business failures, bankruptcies, and proposed tariffs that will double the cost of his Chinese-made Bibles.

And he calls himself “the king of debt.” He imagines this is a good thing.

That could work out for you. Because to buy your country, the U.S.A. would have to go into debt up to its MAGA ball caps, according to one estimate. This proposed price tag comes to us from an irrefutable source, Brian Kilmeade of Fox & Friends where Trump gets his daily intelligence briefing.

Bringing to bear his vast geopolitical expertise gleaned from his career as a professional-wrestling-commentator-turned-right-wing-gasbag, Kilmeade said:

“It’s going to cost about $1.5 trillion, but it probably will pay off.”

There you have it. Straight from Rupert Murdoch’s mouthpiece. And $1.5 trillion is a price point that should capture your imagination. Your king’s, too.

While there are three things you never ask a journalist to do — add and subtract — let me see if I can work out the numbers here.

There are only about 43,000 adults in Greenland. That’s it. You could all fit into any of hundreds of American suburbs. This means that when you divide up the proceeds from the sale, there would be a bigger share for everyone.

So, let’s say you cut a deal with King Frederik. Fifty-Fifty. Half for the Kingdom of Denmark, the other half to be distributed among all the adult inhabitants of Greenland. Your half of the deal comes out to about $17 million for every grownup on the island.

You could, of course, say no. But all those rare earth minerals rumored to be hidden beneath your snow-capped countryside? Eventually, the miners and industrialists and capitalistic ghouls will come and turn your beautiful island into a superfund site. We have loads of experience stealing other people’s land. Ask the Comanches. Or the Cherokee. Or Seminoles. Etc.

So why not get out while the getting’s good? With $17 million in your pocket, any country in the world would be delighted to have you.

Even if you were technically American citizens after the sale, you might think twice about relocating to the U.S. You’d find health care more expensive—forget the free doctor visits, free hospital stays, and free medicine you enjoy now. Also, Project 2025 enthusiasts seem hellbent on destroying the public education system, so raising your kids here may be problematic. And unless you pick up and move to one of our states, you’d be like the hapless Puerto Ricans. No vote. No representation. Life in a U.S. territory is not Valhalla.

No, with that kind of money, you can find a new home in any number of civilized countries. Look for one not yet overrun by aspiring oligarchs. Portugal could be a good choice. Might feel a bit warm at first, but you’ll adjust. Just pray Putin’s invasion of Europe stops short of there. Or New Zealand. It’s gorgeous and the people respect diversity. Bonus points for finding a country where newspaper publishers don’t wet themselves when Trump looks at them askance.

Oh, and about the money. Do not accept payment in U.S. dollars. Last time America offered to buy Greenland, the deal was for gold. Insist on that, or at least a stable currency of some sort. The dollar will be in the toilet after the Treasury Department prints off 1.5 trillion dollar bills it doesn’t have.

Accept no promissory notes, either. Trump is famous for stiffing people and not paying his bills. Cash on the barrelhead, in advance.

This all turns on getting the $1.5 trillion price point, of course. Don’t accept anything less. But if it’s on offer, take the money and run.

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J.C. Bruce is a prize-winning journalist and author of The Strange Files series of mysterious adventures. He holds dual citizenship in the United States of America and Florida. His latest novel, “Strange Timing,” was recently named Book of the Year in the Royal Palm Literary Awards. You can read his Essential News reports at JCBruce.com.

Sponsored by TROPIC PRESS, publisher of The Strange Files Series of Mysterious Adventures.